I Took A Walk Today
It is always so interesting to me to revisit old places I haven’t been to since before diagnosis. For the last 2 years I have exclusively worked from home, thankfully when I went back to work after my lumpectomy (March 2016) my equipment to work from home was waiting for me! Just this May I started working 1 day a week in the office, sharing a desk with a fellow colleague and then a few weeks ago I actually got my own desk again! I didn’t think I would consider these milestones in my cancer walk, but each of them signifies something different. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try to put into words what I saw as something so trivial before and now opened my eyes to… me.
11/14/18
I Took A Walk Today
I took a walk today.
Not just from my car, into the building, but I took a walk today
It’s hard to fathom I have been back in the building since May, got my own desk again in October and here, I just took a walk today
I didn’t plan on this walk, it kind of just happened
What once was my daily routine, became an incessant reminder of things previous
Once a welcomed break in the day, now seen riddled with snapshots of aching truth
It’s crazy what your mind pushes out in order to save itself sanity
Things and people, you once held sacred now seen as dead weight shed
Today the want to see old stomping grounds outweighed the fear of change
Just 2 years ago I was given the flag of remission but my mind is just catching up to its wave
This walk wasn’t planned or coerced
It felt like a long time coming but hesitantly accepted
How do you tell yourself no to places once familiar and jovial, that now seemed dismal and desolate?
This walk took me to places unchartered and waters never seen
Places once frequented for its treasures now sit as reminders of things passed and past
New faces line the registers of shops spent in leisurely
Once staples now sit commercially
On this walk I found myself
I found where I was then and appreciated where I am
Tears brimmed my lids with thoughts of past walks and visits and conversations
5 years doesn’t seem like a long time to make memories huh?
When you feel a year of your life was stolen, you learn not to miss
When those 3 words were given, I wasn’t thinking about these past walks, only my journey ahead
2 years later, and this walk I took today takes on a whole other meaning
Where things were, they still are but different
Things have been added or taken away
Life really does move on huh?
To think I hadn’t taken this walk in over 2 years and nothing missed me
This walk didn’t land me at Cheers
No one knew me, everyone a stranger
The aromas reminiscent of years past now make me see how far I have come
How far had I come?
Where would this walk lead me?
To freedom?
To truth?
To pain?
As I wound through halls undaunted by my presence and flowing with blank faces, I walked
I walked different now
I smiled different now
My stride
My posture
My seat in life
All different
What those 3 words took from me, I can never get back
Time, energy or people
It has all ended me on this frightening, exposing yet exceptional journey
One that I don’t think I would have had without them
Life does ebb and flow
We learn to duck and dodge
To shun and deflect
I’m not sure what is next or where it will take me,
But I’m so glad that I took a walk today
YM
