Haylee – Losing my First Cancer Friend

Cancer is a strange, cruel enemy. When I heard the 3 words “you have cancer”, I had no idea what my future entailed, or even if I would still be here today. It is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! Through my journey thus far with cancer, I have joined organizations and support groups that have helped me tremendously with life as a young cancer survivor. Through the ups and downs and everything in between, it’s these that have given me hope, great information, and been a support when I felt like no one understood what it meant to be a cancer survivor in your 30’s.

Enter YACS – Young Adult Cancer Support…it is an amazing support group here in my home town. I found this group and the amazing people in it June 2016 and it has been just what I needed! We have monthly support meetings and social outings where we can totally be ourselves with other people who know what it means to be young and have cancer. Our fearless leader Stephanie, who is also a cancer survivor, is a God-send with patience like none I have ever seen! Although we are in varying places with cancer, it is comforting to be able to sit down with others who understand where you are and what you have been through.

One such person I met through this group was Haylee. I didn’t meet her until maybe our second or third meeting but her personality left an impression right away. She was someone in the group I couldn’t wait to see every month! The last time I saw her was at our Thanksgiving dinner at the Cancer Caring Center where the group is housed. We chatted away, ate good food, and said our goodbyes until the next month (and to think I was considering not going that night). Not even a whole week later she announced via social media that her cancer had come back. I was stunned at the news and it of course it made me think of my own mortality.

I’d never personally known someone who died from cancer so young. I had family members (including my grandmother) pass away from cancer, but this was different. I wouldn’t say we were close, but in the small community of young survivors and thrivers, everyone becomes family! I have tried to make sense of her passing, to me it just doesn’t. She was in her 20’s and in college, she still had her whole like ahead of her right? She had beat it, was back at college and living life, but now it was back with a vengeance. Stephanie kept us abreast as to what was going on as much as she could, even when things took a turn for the worse. Haylee passed away December 23, 2017 and it rocked me to my core. I am not someone to immediately show or verbalize my emotions, I unfortunately learned at an early age to internalize it all and just “keep it moving”. So that is what I did – I tried to keep everything “moving” without touching the reality. I worked my 2 jobs basically going through the motions. But outside of that, I missed appointments, skipped paid events I was suppose to attend, ditched outings I was suppose to have with friends and family. I felt stuck. I was confused. I was mad at God for allowing Haylee to die and thought if this sweet girl could go, surely I would be next!

Death is never easy. Old, young and everyone in between – you never really can prepare for death. If I have learned nothing else from my own cancer journey so far it is that nothing is promised! Everyday you have to wake up and be purposeful about everything you do. When I talk about finding out I had cancer, I often say to people – I had a 50/50 chance to either live or die, and having a great person like Haylee pass away really brought that reality to the forefront of my life. I’m grateful that I was able to meet her when I did. In the beginning of November we even got the chance to be a part of a survivors photo shoot along with a fellow breast cancer survivor. I’m grateful that I have these last shots of her smiling and having fun. Haylee will always be with me.