“Surprise, I’m Pregnant!”

You ever watch those surprise pregnancy videos that are all the rave? It’s either someone is pregnant telling their unsuspecting families, or the families already know they are pregnant, but don’t know that they are really having multiples! Either way, they are a joyous and exciting time.

I love to watch reaction videos of the soon to be grandmother. In one clip they are taking a family picture with a camera set to a timer. Everyone quickly gets in the frame and the expecting couple tells everyone “say ___ is pregnant!” Most of the family is oblivious to what is going on until someone catches on and everyone is screaming and crying and hugging and congratulating them. Another favorite of mine is when the expecting couple are giving a gift and in the box is a cute little onesie that references a grandmother and they start jumping and screaming and crying all at the same time. You guys know the ones I am talking about, right??

I don’t really know when I started watching them. Maybe 3 or 4 years ago. At first, they were a source of entertainment, but as I got older I started to wonder why I always gravitated to these types of videos. Let me give you my before cancer response. I think I will touch on my after-cancer thoughts in another post…

As I have stated in a previous post, I was adopted when I was baby. I have known for as long as I can remember that I was adopted (and was so because I was special and super loved by my parents). Who would have thought it?? At 7 months old, a couple who at the time thought they couldn’t conceive decided to step out and adopt a child nobody wanted, and my parents stumbled on me! My parents scheduled a visit to the foster home where I was living in to take a look at 2 little brown skinned baby girls they could choose to adopt. Let my mom tell the story, as soon as my dad saw me, he knew I was his daughter! Can you tell I am a daddy’s girl? Still am too! But I digress…

There has never been a point in my life that my parents have ever been any less than just that. They are my parents. Growing up we never really discussed me being adopted because it was openly known amongst the family. I was treated just like they gave birth to me! I say that to give validity to the fact that my mother and my father have always been in my life. This September they will celebrate 41 years of marriage! But there are some things that even all that love and support can’t get you…

Growing up I was a normal child. Played sports, piano, flute and did some dance as well. Went to church, sang in the children’s choir. Went to school and loved spending time with my friends. I would sometimes get to spend time over at another friend’s house for dinner or if I was well behaved, I got to have a sleep over! Those were the good days, right??

It is amazing what you notice in someone else’s house that is different in your own. When I was little I always seemed to notice infant baby pictures on display in the family’s house I would visit. Especially if the friend I was visiting had other younger siblings, moms love to chronicle their children and their growth, right? It is because of this that I often wondered where my baby pictures were? I mean, yes, I was adopted at 7 months but I was dang near walking at that point. Where were the pictures of me in my mother’s arms fresh out the womb? You know the ones that show the mother weary from birth, but they manage to muster up a courageous sweaty smile for the camera despite their pain and fatigue. Where were my newborn photo shoot pictures? The infamous 80’s baby’s pictures with the ugly white or yellow hat with just the blanket as the backdrop? I didn’t have any of those and every mother seemed to have them planted everywhere in their homes.

Enter my 30’s. It never really dawned on me that I might actually be watching these pregnancy surprise videos to try to relive what I really want to believe my biological grandmother felt when she found out I was growing inside my mother’s womb. I mean, ladies, who doesn’t love a great birthing story or vlog about the journey? It really hit home to me that I was probably never celebrated. There were no gender reveals to see what I would be with a pink or blue cake. In fact, did my biological father even know I was created and carried just about full term? I watched these videos seeing the joy and happiness streaming from the grandmother’s faces when they find out their child is about to be a parent. All the while they are crying tears of joy, I am crying tears of sadness knowing that those tears were never shed for me.

When I hit a certain spot in my adulthood, I realized I have abandonment issues. I feel like I was left at a door step at the local fire station. Like my bio mother and father didn’t want me. It has taken me years to come to grips with the emotions that surround these feelings – when a new baby is born into my family (which is often!), when people talk about which parent they look just like, or even when I’m not being able to give a family history at EVERY DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT!!! It is these things that constantly remind me of my “unwantedness”. Now, don’t get me wrong. I would have my life no other way! God knew exactly what He was doing with my parents visiting the foster home that day! But it is a hard cross to bear knowing your own flesh and blood felt the need to give you up.

I think I want to find out my DNA, maybe using 23 And Me to at least see what my genes say that I carry. Maybe one day I will wholeheartedly search for my bio parents and family. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about them, what they look like or the type of people that they are. But for now, I will envision my bio mother with me in her womb, standing next to her mom presenting a gift she cant wait for her to open.

Yours Searching,