Dear Cancer… Sincerely, Me – A Letter to Breast Cancer by Nicole Cox

Well, hey there all! My name is Nikki Cox and as a 2x Breast Cancer Survivor at the age of 35, I am sitting down writing my first blog ever, so bear with me please, thanks!! Briefly, to give you a little history of myself and how cancer comes in to play, I’ll start with a slight back story before diving right on in with my letter to “Cancer!”

At the age of 30, year 2016, I was living my best life, dating my then boyfriend (now husband) Marcus for 5 years, had our now 7yr old daughter Ava (2yrs old at the time), and my 10yr old stepdaughter Laylah (was 5 at the time), just had lost 69lbs, and was in the best shape and health I had ever been. Starting off in my thirties, I knew it was going to be the best year yet. Little did I know, 2 months exactly after my 30^th birthday, in April of 2016, that my life would forever be changed, and not in a good way! I ultimately had felt a lump in my left breast, thinking it wasn’t anything major being I am 30 and could no way expect it to be anything serious. Lone behold, after a check-up with my gynecologist, a breast ultrasound, and an ultrasound guided vacuum biopsy, my worst fears were confirmed, Stage 2, Estrogen positive, Breast Cancer with lymph node involvement. Before I knew it, I was learning the extent of my diagnosis from my treatment specialists, and to what extent, my treatment plan would be. Ultimately, while having to decide on the spot the fate of my fertility with an egg-freezing option (which I opted out of), I learned I would have to undergo 6 months of chemotherapy consisted of Adriamycin/Cytoxan & Taxol, followed by a lumpectomy, and 36 radiation treatments. November 1^st of that year, I finished chemotherapy, losing my hair, eyebrows, lashes, and all, to waiting 4 weeks and underwent a lumpectomy surgery, followed by radiation treatments a month later. December 28^th of 2016, I was declared NED.

To think after being declared NED, taking an Aromatase Inhibitor (Aromasin), and receiving monthly Zoladex shots in my stomach to suppress my ovaries, that I am on the road to recovery, anxiously counting down the months, praying I get to my 5-year mark with no slip ups. I stayed active, ate healthy, went to my quarterly appointments with my oncologist, routine mammograms & breast MRI’s yearly, I just knew I would get there. Well, I though wrong! May 22^nd of 2020, while receiving my annual mammogram, during a global pandemic, planning my upcoming September 18^th wedding to my then fiancé Marcus, I was blindsided with yet, another Breast Cancer diagnosis. I had a reoccurrence in my left breast, this time being Stage 1 Triple Negative, thankfully with no lymph node involvement. Ultimately, my scans showed no metastasizing, I would have a complete bilateral mastectomy in July, get married in September, then start 6 cycles of chemotherapy (Taxotere and Carboplatin) yet again, 2 weeks after my wedding. Talking about a year of the ultimate highs, to ultimate lows. Present day, my follow up scans are clean, and I am in remission, again, praying its forever this time.

So, this leads me to what I have to say to my disease, Breast Cancer, here we go….

Dear Breast Cancer,

SCREW YOU!!! There is no better or nicer way to put it! You came into my life at the age of 30 and wreaked havoc, destroying my body and life from the inside out, with no warning, no care, and not holding anything back. As the devil himself would do, you came to steal, kill, and destroy, but oh, did I have something for you! Not having it over here, sorry no can do! With God on my side, I knew I was fully armored and ready to go in for battle. I knew it wouldn’t be easy by any means, and you would be relentless, not letting up or going down without fight, but I had my boxing gloves ready to go and squared up. You thought you would have it easy, that you would be a silent killer, secretly showing up without no sign or warning. Thinking that in the prime of my life, that you would take me away from everything I knew and loved, think again! But, for a moment, you threw a punch to my gut and brought me to my knees, made my legs buckle and move from under me, you came out swinging, I’ll give you that. Telling my friends and family the devastating news of being diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, took me to a dark place, in my moment of weakness, not sure if I would live when it was all said and done. Preparing myself to face the music, having to lose my hair, my fertility, going into a menopause, facing weight gain, nausea and fatigue, the ultimate worst possible battle imaginable. Wondering and praying if my scans showed you stayed local, not trying to end me all in one round, thankfully I had something coming for you that you weren’t prepared for, my faith, family, friends, and the ultimate fight. I was coming for you and not letting up one bit. Guess what, I did just that!

Then, you decided 4 years later, that you would come back with a vengeance, thinking since you lost the first battle, you were out to win the war, and yet again, you had another thing coming! Little did you know, I was better prepared and knew more about you then you thought, your secret agenda was no longer a secret, and I was out to prove to you, yet again, how much of a boss I really am, not knowing who you are messing with, clearly! In the best year of my life, while I was preparing to marry my best friend, during an already troubled time with a worldwide pandemic, you thought hey why not, let me come in and add some more unnecessary fuel to the fire. Trying to take me away from our girls, our friends and family, life as we know it, not knowing that I was not going down without another fight, ready for the next TKO in this boxing match with my health.

Like the Queen that I am, I got my breasts removed 2 days after my Bridal Shower, healing up just in time to look amazing in my wedding gown, marrying the love of my life. You know what, you didn’t take that day or that moment from me, I had the best time of my life, more than you ever tried to rob me of. I conquered you for the second time, I won, Again. Although you took my breasts, you would not take away my dream, my moment, my happiness. Too, I had to have a port placed in my chest for the second time to receive toxic medication to make sure you really would be gone this time. While you thought you would take away my hair yet again, you had another coming. I was a step ahead of you this time, I was able to receive cold capping and stopped what you took from me the first time. It is small wins for me that add up to big ones, and this you evil spawn, was a HUGE win for me. I kept my hair with minimal shedding, kept my eyebrows with microblading, and I shined, shined like the diamond I am.

Present day, I am cancer free. My scans are clear, and I am on the road to recovery. Me and my team are still relentless and refuse to backdown again. No matter what the future holds, just know I am alive, am a wife, a mother, a boss, and I am THRIVING. God is not done with me yet!

Sincerely,

Your Worst Nightmare, Nikki…